Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
