I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
As shirtless as possible
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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