Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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