I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
