While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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