I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
