Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
