I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
