my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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