I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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