Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
