getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
