I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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