chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
