why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize