I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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