he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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