I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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