I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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