I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
