you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's rum buckets o'clock
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
