I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
