I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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