um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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