a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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