shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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