A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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