he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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