i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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