there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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