That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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