nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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