The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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