I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
