I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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