capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
