for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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