I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
