remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
