i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
