Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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