Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
