thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
