Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
