Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
