i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
