my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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