You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize