she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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