I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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