I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
