3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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