I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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