She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
