On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
