When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
