He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
