Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
