I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
