God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
