Only a mothe r could love this liver
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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