he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This couple is walking their pig around campus
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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