God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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