when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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