she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
