I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
