I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Randomize
