Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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